Hmmm... there really aren't words. Or maybe there are too many?

The last week has been a humdinger.  I'm humming and I'm dinging.  I'm truly running on empty from the year I've had at work... just the pure physical exhaustion from teaching all new classes with new textbooks, having three preps and several out-of-class responsibilities.  I love LOVE love my job, but this has just been a challenging year, and bring on May, and we have tired on a whole new level.  I mean as I type, I have about 150 tests/quizzes waiting to be graded, but I decided I just had to write... before I forget!  This will not be eloquent or poetic... just trying to get thoughts on paper.

About a week ago, Matthew and I had about an hour long conversation that was mentally and emotionally (or are those the same thing?) exhausting.  It started off about a microscopic topic:  how he managed to NOT think to study for his pig practical in honors bio by looking up pictures on line to compare to his own lab (how most people studied).  That lead to how MUCH he's on the computer but how that was a prime example of how he could use that time better!  THAT lead to a discussion about how "in his head" he really likes to be... that that seems to be his favorite place.  He said that's where the best stuff us and where the most successful people are, and I told him I totally disagreed... that the most important "stuff" was in the heart, and that people lead purely by their head were what is wrong with this world!  That lead to talking about selfishness and being self-absorbed... how he'll do anything with us when he ask but then he NEVER asks us.  He stays in the dining room doing homework (with surfing mixed in) unless we ask him to do something.  I explained that he was choosing surfing and being in his amazing head to being with us, and I tried to help him see how that feels.  He said he wants to live alone one day so that he can do that anytime, which lead to a whole conversation about how God calls us into a relationship... he even created community for himself, and afterall, we are created in His image.  That doesn't mean he won't live along, will or or won't get married or anything like that, but that he should pursue relationships in his life.... starting with us.  That's why we started him Dr. Whitney, to help him learn to invest in people and form deeper relationships.  I explained that he used to love me so much... that I used to light him up, to which he said, "Yes, you did.  But never again."  I said of course -- that's normal -- but it's like he just finds me to be a nuisance and an intrusion these days.  He said, "Yes, I used to love you so, so, so much.  So much, in fact, that I became worried that it would turn into a romantic love, so I stopped.  Then you became what you are now to me:  a tool for advice and support."  Well, that was the final straw for me.  I said "I understand." and got up to leave the room... I told him I just needed a moment.  I calmly explained through my tears that he didn't do anything wrong... that he was just honest, but that sometimes in life, the truth hurts.  Of course Maddie heard me, and she cries when anyone else cries, so she comes to my room on my heels asking if I'm OK... she snuggled with me as I cried.  I told her I was sorry, but I just couldn't stop the sobs.  My heart hurt so badly.  She told me I was human and it was OK.  Love that girl.  I don't know that she's ever seen me cry over something with Matthew... bless her heart.  Finally Matthew walked in, and he said he really did love me and he didn't want to cut me of any more.  He climbed in bed with me and Maddie and cried... he said he was so sorry... that building relationships is so hard for him but he wants to try...  he said everything we talked about really resonated with him, and he really wanted to work on it.  A few days later he mentioned again that he'd been thinking a lot about what we talked about.  I want to get him to write about it.

Fast forward to tonight... again, our conversation started out at a pinpoint:  his messiness at the dining room table had to stop (that's where he and Maddie do homework).  He immediately bristles and says, "No one else ueses that room."
Me:  "But I walk by it all the time"
Matthew:  "and you notice? most people don't notice things like that"
to which I replied how do you know what most people notice and it doesn't really matter anyway becasue this is my house and I pay the bills and he needs to develop good habits...leave places better than you find them, etc... but if nothing else, do it for ME... because you want to honor me and because you love me and you know I want you to.  That's what love is... sometimes sacrificing to make another person feel valued.  It's not all about you!  What you do impacts others.  Which lead to..."well, I think I'll be living by myself one day and then it won't matter".  UGH.
Me: "So you want to be a slob?"
Matthew:  "I'll clean stuff up at some point, but a little entropy is good.  Things are easier to find believe it or not."
Me:  Things that impact the family matter... like the dining room.  I've been more hands-off in your bathroom, but even there you could build better habits for the future when your bathroom may or may not be your very own.
Matthew:  Well, I've decided that I will probably live alone anyway so it won't matter.
Then I was on a roll... how all of his deciding was limiting God, and leaving his bathroom messy just because it's easy (everything is out and in eye sight instead of "hiding" in a drawer!) is pure LAZINESS.  He finally came out with some pretty profound conclusions... all of this working on relationships is VERY hard (so I think he's giving up and he thinks I'm not understanding how hard it is)... and that he is wired to be a planner (response to my asking why he has decided NOW that he's going to live alone)... he wakes up every day and plans what he will do until he goes to bed.  I found a loophole in that though, because he finds time to surt and stand and think, and those things certainly weren't PLANNED.  He said true... and listened when I explained that by planning out every (or  most) details he limited and excluding God... so we talked about that for a while.  Then what came out is that he feels he has something to prove by living alone, that he could do it well and better than most because he's so smart.  WHAT?!  I explained that people have been living alone for centuries, etc...and that he could live alone for a season with planning it for his life.  I explained that he needs to seek God and His will, not plan.  He said he has asked God what he should do with his life, but that God has answered him yet.  He actually thinks he should have, and I explained how unrealistic that is... that God wants us to rely on Him and seek him daily... and he can turn our path in the blink of an eye.  I explained that God can guide and direct him in the direction he needs to go without him (Matthew) knowing the end goal.  That's where faith comes in.  Letting go... we talked about surrender and giving God room to work. He said it's just so hard because it's the way he's wired... and I explained that while he's a masterpiece in God's eyes, we should always be striving to be more and more like Christ.  It's not about "changing who he is", it's about transforming into the person God created Him to be, impacting the world for God's glory... and we ALL have things that are hard and we're want to transform but can't do on our own. He said he DOES want friends... good friends.  I explained how Maddie can be one of them, and that he needs to pray and ask God to bring him the friends he knows he needs AND to make him the kind of friend he needs to be.  He said my relationship is his easierst, and our family, but he wants to invest more.  At the end, he said, "Will you lay in bed with me?  I want to pray."  Wow.  And pray, did he!!  It was so powerful, and he said after that it was quite possbily the most powerful moment he's had with God.  First he thanked God for me ("the wonderful woman lying here with me") and asked God to show him how to love me better and deeper ("this woman that I've neglected these past years"), then he focused on depending on and loving God... telling him how much he loved Him and how much he wanted to seek Him and a deeper relationship with Him, how he wanted to surrender every day all these things that are so hard... the planning, the relationship building... and the passion in his voice and the truth he spoke was amazing.  Please pray for him to keep surrendering... surrendering control, the need for independence.  He also said earlier in the talk, when I asked if he felt he had something to prove by living alone, that he wanted to prove he was independent and didn't need anyone.  That lead to more talk about relationships and community vs needing alone time as well as how it's actually OK to depend on people to some degree... actually normal and healthy.  I asked him if he resented having to depend on us, and he said yes... and I know some of that is age, but I reminded him that God gives us family for a reason, and even though our indepence increases as we get older, we don't have to cut people off.  He did say, too, that he needed to spend his time better... the alone/head time is an idol... he could be more productive in relationships if he cut down on surfing and standing and thinking at bedtime... and I also told him that I'm sorry if I didn't acknowledge how hard all of this is (that really bothered him... my acting like this should be easy).  I explained that I knew it was hard, and that my frustration that he misinterpreted isn't from lack of progress it's from playing the devil's advocate to the points I make.  We both agreed to work on our part.  I reminded him that I've had a front row seat to his hard work mixed with God's faithfulness over the years and how it has paid off.  That he's where he is partly because I was never content with "it is what it is"... and I'm not going to start now.  Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's impossible.

So, once again, a long, draining though incredibly productive talk.  I pray pray pray that HE will continue to pray and ponder these truths, and know that God (and I) love him just the way he is but too much to leave him there.  I told him we are all that way... I have things I'm working on and surrendering because I want to keep improving and bein the very best I can be.

Now to those papers...

But I need to write about Maddie!  That child amazes more and more as she grows... especially as a 7th grade girl!!!  When I make progress grading I'll take a break and write about...

Her response to losing the student council election... Mrs. Davenport's call
Her encouragement in the car
Her maturity at the retreat and back at school on Monday
Her sweet text to me...
Her response to the 7th grade post-retreat drama

Oh, middle school...... praying that she continues to rise above the fray.....