I Believe!

In a teary conversation tonight, Maddie confessed something that has been on her heart and causing great distraction and distress in her sweet little ten year old life: she's been thinking a lot about Santa Claus and whether or not to believe. Now, the background info is that I came clean about Santa three years ago when she said IN THE CAR on the way home from school, "Mommy, I want to ask you a question and I want you to tell the truth." (big inhale from me) "Are you the tooth fairy?" When I answered yes, the moans and wails and shrieks that came from the backseat were unbearable... the deceit, the disappointment, the tears -- from her AND from Matthew. Over the next few hours, I decided I couldn't go through that again in a few years and have it be even worse, so I came clean about everything that night. Besides, especially three years ago, we weren't in the position where I could tell Matthew the truth and keep her believing. Not gonna happen. Well, since then, though I was somewhat relieved not to be lying to them anymore, there was a sadness about losing the magic. Apparently I wasn't the only one who felt it. Last week while Maddie was sick, we were watching a movie, and she said, "You know, I wish I still believed in Santa. I know it's my fault that I don't, but still." Ick. I felt horrible all over again. I can't win in this situation! Well, tonight - after a miserable meltdown on HER part about schoolwork and forgetting to bring stuff home (long story) - she was in bed and we were talking about strategies to help the forgetfulness (she is usually extremely responsible with her school work and such). I empathized that this is a crazy time of year (Christmas, birthday, knitting, presents, Cincinatti, etc), and there's so much on her mind -- those are the times it's the easiest to get scattered and forgetful. It happens to me! I have to write everything down!! When I said that - about having a lot of things on her mind - she said, "Well, and there is something I've been thinking about an awful lately: (big pause) I'm going to cry - I don't know why this is going to make me cry - Whether or not to believe in Santa. I want to believe, but I know it doesn't really make sense. One day I'll decide to believe, and the next day I'll decide it's impossible: the sleigh, the reindeer, etc. The facts don't make sense." I asked her, "In your HEART, what do you want? To believe or not to believe?" Her answer, "BELIEVE". Maybe he only comes to kids' houses who DO believe!" I said if she wants to believe, she should believe! The facts don't always support the miraculous, and I told her she doesn't have to justify it to anyone! I mean to tell you the weight of the world was lifted off of her shoulders! Who knew! We had another one of those "I'm so glad we talked" tuck ins, and the transformation that took place in that one hour was startling. Talk about miracles?! About 15 minutes later, I hear her coming up the stairs. She said she thought of one more thing she'd been wanting to talk about. She said some of the boys at school called her a "goody-goody" (the little snots), and she wanted to know if that was good or bad. I explained how it could really go either way depending on the person in question's attitude, but in her case it was definitely a good thing, but something that's not appreciated by everyone, which is A-OK. I reminded her that she needs to be true to show she is: a girl who loves schools, follows the rules and is enthusiastic about life... but doesn't judge people who don't feel the same way (the snooty goody two shoes). I said they may not have meant to, but those boys paid her a complement: I was called a goody-goody many times. YEP and THANK YOU. :-) Things I heard tonight that made me smile despite the difficulties of the evening (I'll fill that part in another time) Matthew: "Maddie, I'll help you review your social studies" (as Maddie's crying saying she could never learn it all)... Matthew: "Because I love you, I'll pretend to believe in Santa too" (in respond to Maddie telling him she's decided to believe, even though he harumphed first). Maddie saying our devotion tonight was a 'Godwink'... it spoke to EVERYTHING we were dealing with. Also, Maddie saw a bad situation come full circle and gave God the glory. She said, "If I hadn't forgotten my stuff and gotten so upset, all of this wouldn't have come out and I wouldn't have been able to get it off my chest. He used something that seemed really bad and terrible to do something good." YEP. There's so much other stuff to catch up on... our Jeopardy trip, visiting with friends and the reunion with my cousin AND my brother! I've gotten so behind...