Humbled...

Wow... my kids never cease to amaze - and humble - me.

For Maddie and me, our best conversations come at bedtime.  Even if it's a ploy to get a little more awake time, it's worth it.  For the last few days, we've had some conversations about another friend problem at school.  This time, she started telling me about how a certain friend (new to the picture this year) has been very controlling.  It started out with Maddie telling me that she really wants to be this person's friend, and at the beginning of the year she seemed not to really notice Maddie.  SO, Maddie began doing whatever this girl wanted.   This is SO unusual for Maddie, because in general she isn't a people pleaser... she's a leader.  I guess, too, that she's used to being 'liked' and this was a new feeling for her.  For whatever reason, the situation has worsened over the course of the year.  Maddie decided over the weekend that she would talk to this friend and explain that she shouldn't have to do certain things to be her friend.  Still, when she talked to her and told me what she'd said, I wasn't satisfied that she'd really stood up for herself. Tonight we talked for a long time... about how being a preacher's kid doesn't make this girl automatically a "better Christian" or more spiritual or deserving of being put up on a pedestal and 'served' as if Maddie were lucky to be her friend.  I think it clicked for Maddie.  She shouldn't have to 'earn' somebody's friendship (this girl was asking her to turn in her homework, share her snack, sharpen her pencil... and Maddie wanted to be her friend and not upset her so she did all these things!  Even her other really good friend noticed and said she needed to stand up for herself and not get walked on!)  Even when she talked with her, she didn't clearly say "it's not OK to boss me", she just said, "You want me to do all these things for you, and I don't want to make you mad... I WANT to be your friend, but..." I told her that she still didn't really make a stand for herself.... I want her to realize that if this girl only likes her because of what she does for her, that's not a friendship!  We used lots of comparisons from the Chrissa movie.  :-)  She asked me if she messed up by not telling her clearly enough, and she came up with another strategy and shared about the feelings she gets sometimes with this friend.  I told her those feelings are nudges from God and his Spirit to guide her.  I explained to her that this is new territory for her and as long as she learned from this experience and the 'feelings' she's been getting in her gut, then it has all been worth it.  God promises to use ALL things for our good.  She said that third grade has definitely been harder as far as friends go, and I reminded her what she told me after the last problem:  she has learned to lean on God and not try to deal with these problems on her own.  She got a big smile and said, "exactly!".  "How silly last year - I thought I could handle things on my own, and I spent the last three weeks of school sitting in the back of the playground!!"  LOL

At the end, and after lots of reassurance that it may not feel good not to have this girl's friendship but that THAT will feel better than compromising who she is, she gave me a tight hug and said, "I'm not going to read tonight.  You're like the best book on friendship!"  

My sweet girl with such a big heart.